All is well in my world, except the sunflower has a trailer-hitch-sized hole in her bumper.  Ohh, well.  Dingbat that hit my (parked) car is paying for it.  It's just slightly out of shape at the moment.

August 14, 2005 will always go down in my book as the worst day in my life. Because I don't feel like dredging up bad memories, I'm going to let the past stay in the past. But a year later, I look back on my life and realize how truly blessed and lucky I am. Not many can claim to be blessed with the multitude of selfless friends I am fortunate enough to find myself with. To the so many of you who took the time to help me, to be wtih me, to be my unfailing support system when I couldn't support myself--thank you. I would not have managed to make it through the past year without you. I am who I am today because of your kindness and you inability to let me give up.

They say that you cannot truly begin to help yourself until you hit complete rock bottom--August 14, 2005 represent the absolute rock bottom for me. And a slow climb it has been, yet one that has forever changed me and given me a new appreciation for life, kindness, beauty and happiness. When all else was broken, I thank God every day that I was able to keep a mostly sunny disposition and not let the circumstances make me bitter and angry. Each sunrise, each sunset, each small child, each rainstorm, each rainbow--things that may have gone unnoticed before--all are reasons to thank God for the gift of life and the love of family and friends.

I can't count how many times people told me, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." And as sick of hearing it as I became, it is unfailingly true. I find, a year later, that I have become less trusting, less open. Yet I also find that I have more self-confidence, a strength and inner peace that I didn't have before. Strength is born of adversity.

I lost myself.

I found myself.

I am, for the first time in my life, completely at peace with myself. I am happy with me. I now know that someday I will find the deep and meaningful fairy tale romance that I've wanted all of my life. And I refuse to settle for anything less. Yes, I have fun. Yes, I laugh. And yes, someday my prince will come. I don't know what form he will take, and I don't know what his name will be, but someday. Someday.

The bruises have faded, the scars have all but vanished. But my heart will never forget. My heart will never forget what happened that night. I still find myself having to fight not to flinch when a man raises his hand, even if it's to give a high-five. I struggle not to cringe at hugs. But every day is a new day. Every day is another chance at life, another chance to touch someone else's heart. Another chance to say thank you to everyone who has been so amazing over the last year.

I urge anyone who reads this to educate yourself against domestic violence. Know the signs. Be aware. I never thought it would happen to me. You never think that you'll be "that girl." You never think that the person you love can turn against you. But it happens every day, and most women aren't nearly as lucky as I am. Volunteer, donate your time and money to your local domestic violence centers, and know the signs. You may save the life of your sister, friend, mother, classmate, cousin, neighbor. It happens in every walk of life, in every ethnicity, in every economic bracket, in every neighborhood, in every culture. Don't think that it won't happen to you or to someone you love. Ignorance is a death sentence.

Today, I'm not afraid to be who I am. I'm silly, I'm clumsy, I'm goofy, I'm a bookworm, I'm a music nut, I'm a dreamer, I'm a wisher, I'm a little kid at heart, I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm halfway retarded, I'm not always the brightest crayon in the box. But most of all, I'm me, and that's something I'm comfortable with.

This poem was on the back of Mr. Threadgill's door when I was in high school, and it's one of my favorites. Find peace.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Thank You

August 14, 2005 will always go down in my book as the worst day in my life.  Because I don't feel like dredging up bad memories, I'm going to let the past stay in the past.  But a year later, I look back on my life and realize how truly blessed and lucky I am.  Not many can claim to be blessed with the multitude of selfless friends I am fortunate enough to find myself with.  To the so many of you who took the time to help me, to be wtih me, to be my unfailing support system when I couldn't support myself--thank you.  I would not have managed to make it through the past year without you.  I am who I am today because of your kindness and you inability to let me give up.
They say that you cannot truly begin to help yourself until you hit complete rock bottom--August 14, 2005 represent the absolute rock bottom for me.  And a slow climb it has been, yet one that has forever changed me and given me a new appreciation for life, kindness, beauty and happiness.  When all else was broken, I thank God every day that I was able to keep a mostly sunny disposition and not let the circumstances make me bitter and angry.  Each sunrise, each sunset, each small child, each rainstorm, each rainbow--things that may have gone unnoticed before--all are reasons to thank God for the gift of life and the love of family and friends.
I can't count how many times people told me, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."  And as sick of hearing it as I became, it is unfailingly true.  I find, a year later, that I have become less trusting, less open.  Yet I also find that I have more self-confidence, a strength and inner peace that I didn't have before.  Strength is born of adversity.
I lost myself. 
I found myself.
I am, for the first time in my life, completely at peace with myself.  I am happy with me.  I now know that someday I will find the deep and meaningful fairy tale romance that I've wanted all of my life.  And I refuse to settle for anything less.  Yes, I have fun.  Yes, I laugh.  And yes, someday my prince will come.  I don't know what form he will take, and I don't know what his name will be, but someday.  Someday. 
The bruises have faded, the scars have all but vanished.  But my heart will never forget.  My heart will never forget what happened that night.  I still find myself having to fight not to flinch when a man raises his hand, even if it's to give a high-five.  I struggle not to cringe at hugs.  But every day is a new day. Every day is another chance at life, another chance to touch someone else's heart.  Another chance to say thank you to everyone who has been so amazing over the last year.
I urge anyone who reads this to educate yourself against domestic violence.  Know the signs. Be aware.  I never thought it would happen to me.  You never think that you'll be "that girl."  You never think that the person you love can turn against you.  But it happens every day, and most women aren't nearly as lucky as I am.  Volunteer, donate your time and money to your local domestic violence centers, and know the signs.  You may save the life of your sister, friend, mother, classmate, cousin, neighbor.  It happens in every walk of life, in every ethnicity, in every economic bracket, in every neighborhood, in every culture.  Don't think that it won't happen to you or to someone you love.  Ignorance is a death sentence.
Today, I'm not afraid to be who I am.  I'm silly, I'm clumsy, I'm goofy, I'm a bookworm, I'm a music nut, I'm a dreamer, I'm a wisher, I'm a little kid at heart, I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm halfway retarded, I'm not always the brightest crayon in the box.  But most of all, I'm me, and that's something I'm comfortable with. 
This poem was on the back of Mr. Threadgill's door when I was in high school, and it's one of my favorites.  Find peace.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

now I know you're not
the only starfish in the sea.
If I never hear your name again
it's all the same to me.

And I think it's gonna be all right.
Yeah, the worst is over,
Now the morning sun is shining like a Red Rubber Ball.

Thank you, Sars.
If you have reached the age of 25, I have a bit of bad news for you, to wit: it is time, if you have not already done so, for you to emerge from your cocoon of post-adolescent dithering and self-absorption and join the rest of us in the world. Past the quarter-century mark, you see, certain actions, attitudes, and behaviors will simply no longer do, and while it might seem unpleasant to feign a maturity and solicitousness towards others that you may not genuinely feel, it is not only appreciated by others but necessary for your continued survival. Continuing to insist past that point that good manners, thoughtfulness, and grooming oppress you in some way is inappropriate and irritating.
Grow up.
And when I instruct you to grow up, I do not mean that you must read up on mortgage rates, put aside candy necklaces, or desist from substituting the word "poo" for crucial syllables of movie titles. Silliness is not only still permitted but actively encouraged. You must, however, stop viewing carelessness, tardiness, helplessness, or any other quality better suited to a child as either charming or somehow beyond your control. A certain grace period for the development of basic consideration and self-sufficiency is assumed, but once you have turned 25, the grace period is over, and starring in a film in your head in which you walk the earth alone is no longer considered a valid lifestyle choice, but rather grounds for exclusion from social occasions.
And now, for those of you who might have misplaced them, marching orders for everyone born before 1981.
1. Remember to write thank-you notes. If you do not know when a thank-you note is appropriate, consult an etiquette book -- the older and more hidebound the book, the better. When in doubt, write one anyway; better to err on the side of formality. An email is not sufficient thanks for a physical gift. Purchase stationery and stamps, set aside five minutes, and express your gratitude in writing. Failure to do so implies that you don't care. This implication is a memorable one. Enough said.
2. Do not invite yourself to stay with friends when you travel anymore. Presumably you have a job, and the means to procure yourself a hotel. If so, do so. If not, stay home. Mentioning that you plan a visit to another city may lead to an invitation to stay with a friend or family member, which you may of course accept; assuming that "it's cool if you crash" is not. Wait for the invitation; if it is not forthcoming, this is what we call "a hint," and you should take it and make other arrangements.
3. Do not expect friends to help you move anymore. You may ask for help; you may not expect it, particularly if your move date is on a weekday. Your friends have jobs to go to, and you have accumulated a lot of heavy books by this point in your life. Hire a mover. If you cannot afford a mover, sell your books or put them in storage -- or don't move, but one way or another, you will have to cope.
4. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings. As children, we live in our own heads, bonking into things, gnawing on twigs, emitting random squawks because we don't know how to talk yet. Then, we enter nursery school. You, having graduated college or reached a similar age to that of the college graduate, need to learn to sense others and get out of their way. Walk single file. Don't blather loudly in public spaces. Give up your seat to those with disabilities or who are struggling with small children. Take your headphones off while interacting with clerks and passersby. Do not walk along and then stop suddenly. It is not just you on the street; account for that fact.
5. Be on time. The occasional public-transit snafu is forgivable, but consistent lateness is rude, annoying, and self-centered. If we didn't care when you showed up, we'd have said "any old time"; if we said seven, get there at seven or within fifteen minutes. Do not ditz that you "lost track of time" as though time somehow slipped its leash and ran into traffic. It shows a basic lack of respect for others; flakiness is not cute anymore, primarily because it never was. Buy a watch, wind it up, and wear it everywhere you go.
6. Have enough money. I do not mean "give up your scholarly dreams and join the world of corporate finance in order to keep up with the Joneses." I mean that you should not become that girl or boy who is always a few dollars short, can only cover exactly his or her meal but no tip, or "forgot" to go to the ATM. Go to the ATM first, don't order things you can't afford, and…
7. Know how to calculate the tip. Ten percent of the total; double it; done. You did not have to major in math to know how this works. You are not dumb, but your Barbie-math-is-hard flailing is agonizing and has outstayed its welcome. Ten percent times two. Learn it.
8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional. Nobody cares. People who starred in the dream may care, but confine your synopsis to ten words or fewer.
9. Learn to walk in heels. Gentlemen, you are at your leisure. Ladies: If you wear heels, know how to operate them. Clomping along and placing your foot down flat with each step gives the appearance of a ten-year-old playing dress-up, but a pair of heels is like a bicycle -- you need momentum to stay up. Come down on the heel and carry forward through the toe, using your regular stride. If you feel wobbly, keep practicing, or get a pair that's better suited to your style of walking. It isn't a once-a-year prom thing anymore for a lot of you, so please learn to walk in them.
10. Have at least one good dress-up outfit. A dress code, or suggested attire on an invitation, is not an instrument of The Man. Own one nice dress, or one reasonable suit, or one sharp pair of pants and chic sweater -- something you can clean up nice in for a wedding or a semi-formal dinner. You don't have to like it, but if the invitation requests it, put it on. Every night can't be poker night. Which reminds me…
11. Do as invitations ask you. Don't bring a guest when no such courtesy is extended. Don't blow off an RSVP; it means "please respond," and you should. "Regrets only" means you only answer if you can't come. If the party starts at eight, show up at eight -- not at seven-thirty so you can go a "better" party later, not at eleven when dinner is cold. Eight. Cocktail parties allow for leeway, of course, but pay attention and read instructions; your host furnished the details for a reason.
12. Know how. Know how to drive. Know how to read a map. Know how to get around. Know how to change a tire, or whom to call if you can't manage it, or how to get to a phone if you don't have a cell phone. We will happily bail you out, until it becomes apparent that it's what you always need. The possibility of a fingernail breaking or a hairstyle becoming compromised is not grounds for purposeful helplessness.
13. Don't use your friends. It's soulless. It's also obvious. If the only reason you continue to associate with a person is to borrow his or her car, might I remind you that you have now turned 25 and may rent your own.
14. Have something to talk about besides college or your job. College is over. The war stories have their amusements, but not over and over and not at every gathering. Get a library card, go to the movies, participate in the world. Working is not living. Be interested so that you can be interesting.
15. Give and receive favors graciously. If you have agreed to do a favor, you may not 1) remind the favoree ceaselessly about how great a pain it is for you, or 2) half-ass it because the favoree "owes you." It is a favor; it is not required, and if you cannot do it, say so. If you can do it, pretend that nobody is watching, do it as best you can, and let that be the end of it. Conversely, if you ask for a favor and the askee cannot do it, do not get snappish. You can manage.
16. Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It happens to the best of us, but be properly ashamed the next day; work on your tolerance, or eat something first, but amateur hour ended several years hence.
17. Have a real trash receptacle, real Kleenex, and, if you smoke, a real ashtray. No loose bags on the floor; no using a roll of toilet paper; no plates or empty soda cans. You are not a fierce warrior nomad of the Fratty Bubelatty tribe. Buy a wastebasket and grown-up paper products.
18. Universal quiet hours do in fact apply to you. They are, generally, as follows -- midnight to six AM on weekdays, 2 AM to 8 AM on weekends. Mine is a fairly generous interpretation, by the by, so bass practice should conclude, not start, at ten PM. Understand also that just because nobody has complained directly to you does not mean that a complaint is not justified, or pending. Further, get your speakers off the floor. Yes, "now." Yes, a rug is still "the floor."
19. Take care of yourself. If you are sick, visit a doctor. If you are sad, visit a shrink or talk to a friend. If you are unhappy in love, break up. If you are fed up with how you look, buy a new shirt or stop eating cheese. If you have a problem, try to fix it. Many problems are knotty and need a lot of talking through, or time to resolve, but after a few months of all complaining and no fixing, those around you will begin to wonder if you don't enjoy the problems for the attention they bring you. Venting is fine; inertia coupled with pouting is not. Bored? Read a magazine. Mad at someone? Say so -- to them. Change is hard; that's too bad. Effort counts. Make one. Your mommy's shift is over.
20. Rudeness is not a signifier of your importance. Rudeness is a signifier of itself, nothing more. We all have bad days; yours is not weightier than anyone else's, comparatively, and does not excuse displays of poor breeding. Be civil or be elsewhere.

as i was home sick yesterdy, i had far too much time to watch t.v.
most of it was completely ick, but one thing caught my attention.  on oprah, she had shelia kelley, author of the "S Factor" book and video series and instructor of the S Factor classes.  If anyone knows of a class of similar ideas, I would LOVE to take it (if you're not familiar, it's dancing and pole dancing as a workout...right up my alley, right?)  But seriously, it's a fabulous way to get in shape and work out...but...do I have to just go ahead and buy the videos?  Or is there somewhere around here that teaches....pole dancing?