ishkabibble

Still no baby.  I am so ready for my niece to be here. Michayla...HURRY UP and GET HERE!  The doctor is going to induce Amber a week from today if we don't have a mini-munchkin by then.

Alden...WAR DAMN EAGLE!!  Engineering will never be the same again.

My head hurts.  I am so f-ing tired of the b.s. going on right now.

In other news, I'm running (with JW) in the Cherry Blossom run in April. He's training for the marathon (I think), and I'm going to attempt the 10K. It's the first serious competitve event that I've trained for since high school, so I'm kind of excited about it.  Not to mention it's a trip to D.C. and a chance to see some friends I haven't seen in a hot minute *cough Chris cough Anneliese cough Brady* while we're there.

Dove shoot last weekend---SO much fun.  Dove shoot this weekend--possibly even more fun. I am so incredibly lucky to surround myself with the people that I do.

I started writing again last week.  It's not to publicly share, but I'm pretty pleased with how things are shaping up.

This is all over the place...I need caffeeeeeeine. 

There is actually a book called the Biography of the Moonpie.  Nicole, I don't know why, but it reminded me of you.  Irritatingly, it doesn't mention Mardi Gras?

Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.  I think I'm the bug these days.

Nappy time yet?

I miss my godson. (his parents aren't half-bad, either.)  I need to go to FWB ASAP.

Right-o.  Decisions, decisions. 
Much love from a very jumbled Fruitcake.

le sigh

I wanted to post a blog about September 11th and how I think it's completely wrong that we're not doing anything as a country to memorialize the date that changed everything in America.  I really did.  I wanted to rant and rave about the government, I wanted to praise  our military, with a special shout out to my boys and girls serving overseas or that have been overseas--Tim, Matt, Cody, Ann, Joe...there are so many more of you that I didn't name.

But instead, I'm stuck.  I'm stuck thinking about Britney tramptastic Spears and her "comeback" at the VMAs.  But unlike the myriads of reports focusing on how horrible her performance was and how horrible she looked in the outfit she had chosen to perform in, I'm blown away.

I'm blown away by the thousands of editorials touting a young woman who, in the last 3 years has given birth twice, as grotesquely fat.  If SHE, whose body I would gladly eat my right arm to have as it stands right now, is America's definition of "fat," we can all throw in the towel right now. 

What kind of message is this sending to young girls--girls who watch the VMAs and are listening to what the media has to say? Are we telling them that only women who embody Mary Kate Olsen are considered "in"?  That skeletal, waif-like women, who probably haven't had a period in months because their bodies are starved, whose hair is falling out because of lack of nutrition, whose skin and hair is lackluster at best--THESE are the women that our younger generation should be looking up to??  That our 5th, 6th, and 7th graders should aspire to look like Nicole Ritchie?  That anorexia and bulimia is the way to go?

Britney may not have looked like the 17-year-old pop tart she once was.  Guess what, folks?  She's not 17 anymore, either.  The Pop Princess is now a mother of two, and I think most women, especially those who are mothers themselves, would agree that Britney looks damn good for being a new mother the second time around.

Wake up, people.  This Catch-22 that we keep our daughters in--it's taking a toll on their self-esteem.  Sure, Britney may not be an ideal role model, but no one is perfect--those in Hollywood so hell-bent on casting doubt and shame on her doubtless are thanking their lucky stars that the attention is on her and not on them. 

And personally, I would much rather see a healthy Britney prancing (trudging?) onstage than Mary Kate Olsen or Nicole Ritchie.

If Britney Spears is fat, I'll eat my socks.

2 years

Tomorrow marks two years since the most life-changing ordeal I have ever gone through.  It's become a catalyst for a lot of changes in my life, a reason to put things in perspective, and, looking back, has made me truly become the persont that I am today.

A year ago, the wounds were still raw and bleeding.  My heart was not only broken, it was surrounded by a concrete castle wall, reinforced with barbed wire, and then electrified with "no trespassing" signs everywhere.  I had come a long way, but I had no idea how far I still had to go.  I still felt like I had failed myself, that I had somehow taken the wrong path, that things like "that" weren't supposed to happen to girls like "me."  My confidence was shaken, my self-worth was at an all-time low, my outlook on life, though improving, was still less than positive, and my view on men...well.   I would have been content in a world in which men didn't exist at that point. I was afraid of trusting anyone except my immediate family, and even then I was on shaky ground. I was making strides in educating others on the dangers of domestic violence, but I had not yet realized my passion for telling my story in the hopes that I touch one life, one heart, help one person.

I found my closure.  In May, I took Adam to court, where I was able to tell my story to judge and jury.  I didn't get exactly the sentence I was aiming for, but nonetheless, I was able to find a sense of peace in knowing that he's finally paying for what he did to me and, though he can never give me back my sense of security or the innocence that was lost, I finally felt the scars begin to fade a little in knowing that he is finally paying a pennance for what he did to me, and what he did to Adrian before me, and what he could have done to someone else after me.

I found my safe haven.

 To Emily, who I couldn't have made it without.  To Tim and Alisha, who dropped everything to be with me when I needed them most andhave never let me drop the ball on our friendship.  To Laura, who forced me, time and again, to see the truth.  To Meg, who has been an unfailing pillar of strength, love, and support.  To Julia, who has amazed me with her gifts of friendship. To Nia, who...well.  You just have to know Nia.  I am her protege :-)  To Amber, my baby sister, who I love more that she'll ever know, and who is going to make a wicked-fierce mama in about 6 weeks.  (strangely enough, this has been the catalyst that brought us together.....finally). To David, for challenging me.  To the J-squad, for being my unending source for laughs when I needed them most.  To Anneliese, Courtney, Kelli and Chris, for umpteen years of friendship spanning many, many, many miles.  To the so many people who have held my hand when I needed a friend, to the so many that have hugged me in support, to the so many of you who have told me that you're proud of me, thank you.  To my mom and dad, and to my brudder ('tard), I love you more than I could ever, ever express.  Lastly, but certainly not least, to JW...for tripping me and letting me fall, but catching me with a green sharpie in hand. Where've you been?

Five years ago, I couldn't have imagined that life would have taken the course that it has, and I don't know that I would change it.  Yes, it has been excruciatingly painful at times, and yes, I wish that I hadn't had to go through some of the things that I've faced.  But they've made me who I am, and though I don't like them, I appreciate them for the life-altering effects.  I am conscious of every breath I take, of every day on earth, because no one is ever guaranteed another. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I love you, you know it, because I say it often.  I live my life with no holds barred, with a zeal and zest for life that only comes from truly knowing the deepest pain and sorrow. 

My mom has always said, "To know the greatest joy, you must first know the deepest sorrow.  Pain and grief carves grooves in the soul that only joy and love can fill."  Mama was right.  I am, for the first time perhaps ever, truly, truly, truly happy.  Sure, there are ups and downs, but I am completely at peace with my world and all that's in it.

Life is beautiful. 

Live, laugh, and love...
...Caitlin

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  I can't even begin to know what you're going through, as I've never lost a parent.  But please know that I'm behind you when you need strenght, beside you when you need a shoulder, and ahead of you when you just can't lead. 

I love you always. More than 10 years and more than a 1,000 miles don't dimish the bonds of friendship, and more than ever, I give you whatever I can offer.  I can't take away the pain, and I can't change things, but I can be there in whatever capacity you need me.

Caitlin

Cloud 9

Anyone who knows me for more than 2.5 seconds knows that domestic violence is my soapbox.  It's the one topic that I can talk about for hours, the one topic that i feel needs to be addressed in every town, every city, every state. 

Anyway, I don't want to go into all that I feel about the actual issue.  Rather, I'm still on cloud 9 from Tuesday night. 

Most know that I went to court in May.  It was a sense of closure for me, a way to put behind me everything that happened two years ago and move forward, knowing that in some small way, I might have protected another woman from going through what I did.  Anyway, that background was needed, because Tuesday afternoon, I got a call asking me to present at a local city council meeting in regards to their upcoming vote on domestic violence-related issues. 
Needless to say, I would have flown to the end of the earth in order to make this presentation. 

All I did was tell my story.  And, in light of other victims, mine doesn't even begin to compare to the tragedy that they've faced.  I still have my life, my heart, and an unquenchable desire to live, love, laugh and fully experience everything life has to offer. 

After my presentation, as I was walking to my car, a man stopped me in the parking lot.  I could tell by the red rings around his eyes that he had been fighting tears, and he asked if he could shake my hand.  He then told me, in a somwhat shaky voice, that he had almost lost his daughter to the hands of the man that she married, and he had lost his granddaughter.  His two-year-old granddaughter had been the most innocent victims to a man who could not control his own rage.  We spoke for a minute, and he asked if he could give me a hug. 
I have never, in all of my life, been hugged like that.  The pain radiated from him and I could feel his grief.  It hurt my heart to feel that much heartache.
When he pulled away, he said, "Caitlin, thank you.  Thank you for being able to tell your story and for fighting for the women who can't or won't.  I want you to know that I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting for you and will do whatever I can to see the new legisltation pass."  I cried.  He cried.  And somewhere, I realized that this is my calling.  This feeling, the feeling of knowing that I made a difference--I don't want to let that go.

His name is Steven, and he's on the city council.  If one person is in my corner because of what I have said, then I have done what I came to do.

Fight for change.  Fight for those that don't have the strength or willpower to fight for themselves.  Six months in jail and a $500 fine for someone that tried to kill another person is not sufficient.  It is not acceptable.  A relationship bred out of fear is not a relationship at all.  It is a death trap.  Help stop those that are repeat offenders by challenging your local legislation to pass harsher penalities for assailants.  Most importantly, push for more resources for crisis teams and centers.  The Lighthouse in Baldwin County is in dire need of more resources, more manpower, and more volunteers.  Make a difference.

If anyone wants more information, I have a myriad of resources that I can send your way.  Just send me a message, and I'll hook you up.

Much love...
...The Fruitcake

I remember the day they told me...

....you're going to be a big sister!!

21 years later, my little sister is about to be a mom.

And now I have to ask myself...

Why...

Why do I have to watch my sister do the same things that I did, knowing that she's setting herself up for heartbreak, disappointment, and a broken heart?  Why do I have to watch my sister, who, by all admissions, is near-genius in intellect, belittle herself and lower her standards?  Why do I have to watch my sister, my beautiful, smart, caring, huge-hearted, funny, gorgeous, strong-willed sister throw her life away on people not worth her time?

I want to shake her, to make her see that her life isn't just about her anymore, but about the little girl that she's bringing into the world in just over 2.5 months.  I want to protect her, to help her see that she IS all of the things that I said before, plus a gazillion and one other things on top of those. 

I want her to see how good she has it, how much better it could be, and how much she has going for her.  My mother has bent over backwards for that child, and she doesn't see any of it.

I want to protect my as-yet-unborn niece from the unhappiness that surrounds Amber and Jesse.  

ARGH!!!

And yet, after 21 years, i KNOW that there's nothing that can get through to her stubborn head, that she's the only one that can figure things out, and that nothing in this world will change her mind once it's made up.

Blech.  Being a big sister sucks some times :-)